The guy upstairs is doing some drilling at the moment. All I can hear is the drill, a kind of whirring noise and some appreciative voices. I can only guess that he's doing some DIY, either that or Robocop is up there making a porno!
"ooh, ooh, Officer Lewis"
"oh Robocopy, you are so hard"
"Officer Lewis, that is my hard-drive, I want you to..."
"What?"
"I want you to come, you have 10 seconds to comply"
Wednesday, 22 April 2009
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
online dating
I've been doing the online dating thing for over a year now.
I thought I had written a pretty good profile but a friend looked it over and came up with the following comments. I said that I hate things like reality TV, Heat magazine etc and he told me that women do in fact enjoy those activities, some even refer to them as hobbies or past-times. The other comments was that I had said that I don't believe in astrology, his argument was that most women do and sometimes would choose their partner based upon the stars and their supposed compatability based on their date of birth. The things I still have to learn about women, most especially that they are all Leek'n'Lentil (guvnor).
I've been on three dates :-(
The first date was kind of a damp squib as the girl realised as soon as she saw me that she was far too good looking to go out with me. My argument is that 1) she should have looked at the photo's and 2) my personality far outweighed hers anyway.
The second was cast asunder as she spoke the immortal words "Daddy drives an Aston". Now, I appreciate the intrinsic beauty of such a car, but she was also ginger which kind of pushed it over the edge! Don't get me wrong, gingers can be beautiful too, but they are generally then referred to as redheads.
The third date was with a Korean girl, very nice girl but her English was a little pidgin. This made it very difficult to come across as an interesting and humourous individual, all of my funny quips passed her by. Shame really as I had loads of gags about Kim Jong-Il!
I'm now on the prowl - is prowl the right word? I feel like I'm prowling when I'm cruising the virtual kerbs of the website. Browsing! I'm now browsing for a new girl to go out on a date with, but I've run into a problem. It seems that I've winked (virtual wink) at all of the attractive women in Edinburgh, Glasgow and surrounding villages. There's none left! They've all been made aware of my availability and yet have managed to resist winking at me, or emailing me, or indeed cross referencing my profile with facebook, selecting a cross section of photo's and extrapolating a theoretical M.O. which includes regular bars and then turning up in those bars to see if she is as hot as her photo indicates so that she can meet me online and in person in the same week and put it down to serendipity...oh bugger!
Suffice to say, I'm still single. But I'm hopeful. I recently browsed (definitely not cruised this time) the men in Edinburgh on the site and they haven't really put the effort into their written profile, haven't gone through the editorial process that I did. I think this will pay dividends in the near future.
I thought I had written a pretty good profile but a friend looked it over and came up with the following comments. I said that I hate things like reality TV, Heat magazine etc and he told me that women do in fact enjoy those activities, some even refer to them as hobbies or past-times. The other comments was that I had said that I don't believe in astrology, his argument was that most women do and sometimes would choose their partner based upon the stars and their supposed compatability based on their date of birth. The things I still have to learn about women, most especially that they are all Leek'n'Lentil (guvnor).
I've been on three dates :-(
The first date was kind of a damp squib as the girl realised as soon as she saw me that she was far too good looking to go out with me. My argument is that 1) she should have looked at the photo's and 2) my personality far outweighed hers anyway.
The second was cast asunder as she spoke the immortal words "Daddy drives an Aston". Now, I appreciate the intrinsic beauty of such a car, but she was also ginger which kind of pushed it over the edge! Don't get me wrong, gingers can be beautiful too, but they are generally then referred to as redheads.
The third date was with a Korean girl, very nice girl but her English was a little pidgin. This made it very difficult to come across as an interesting and humourous individual, all of my funny quips passed her by. Shame really as I had loads of gags about Kim Jong-Il!
I'm now on the prowl - is prowl the right word? I feel like I'm prowling when I'm cruising the virtual kerbs of the website. Browsing! I'm now browsing for a new girl to go out on a date with, but I've run into a problem. It seems that I've winked (virtual wink) at all of the attractive women in Edinburgh, Glasgow and surrounding villages. There's none left! They've all been made aware of my availability and yet have managed to resist winking at me, or emailing me, or indeed cross referencing my profile with facebook, selecting a cross section of photo's and extrapolating a theoretical M.O. which includes regular bars and then turning up in those bars to see if she is as hot as her photo indicates so that she can meet me online and in person in the same week and put it down to serendipity...oh bugger!
Suffice to say, I'm still single. But I'm hopeful. I recently browsed (definitely not cruised this time) the men in Edinburgh on the site and they haven't really put the effort into their written profile, haven't gone through the editorial process that I did. I think this will pay dividends in the near future.
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
Single guy
I’ve been single for a while now, in fact I’m so single that mainstream pornography doesn’t do it for me anymore and I’ve had to move to more ‘niche’ productions! At home when I want to … relieve the tension, I have a special looped recording of a series of adverts. They are now incredibly sexy aren't they? The list of adverts I have on this special video is the flake advert, M&S underwear, Cadbury’s Caramel (all the men say 'yeah'!) and the lynx adverts. All of which are incredibly sexy, some smell nice, some feed you and some even have overtly sexual bunny rabbits in them.
So I've just been shopping in asda, stereotypical single guys basket - bin liners, ear buds and microwave meals! The checkout girl looked at me with such sympathy that I just wanted to use the contents of my bag to build a make shift body disposal system with which I could dispose of her spotty, greasy head without fear of a succesful police investigation. Something I realised about stereotypical single guy's shopping baskets is that they are useless in A-Team situations. Still would shag her though, well, I asked...
So I've just been shopping in asda, stereotypical single guys basket - bin liners, ear buds and microwave meals! The checkout girl looked at me with such sympathy that I just wanted to use the contents of my bag to build a make shift body disposal system with which I could dispose of her spotty, greasy head without fear of a succesful police investigation. Something I realised about stereotypical single guy's shopping baskets is that they are useless in A-Team situations. Still would shag her though, well, I asked...
My first blog
So this is my first entry on my first ever blog. I don't want to say anything in particular other than I'm quite excited about doing this for the first time. Not in the same way that I was excited about doing the sex for the first time, that was incredibly exciting. It was with a girl called Michelle (she was not a chav but she was Northern!) and it was on the sofa in the living room of her parents. Sweet. It was also my first experience of a front opening bra which confused me in the same way that Einstein must have struggled with the theory of evolution until realising (as I have just done) that it was in fact written by Darwin - bugger!
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